I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
Randomize
