Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
I think my moral compass just broke
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
Randomize