Theres this fat girl in desperate need of the proactive factory in my class and as i watch her shovel food in her face I am struggling to not only keep down my meager lunch but also to stay straight. Eliza Dushku couldnt even get my flacid dick to move
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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