How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
As weird as that was it was probably the best advice i've ever gotten from a tranny
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
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