I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
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