This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
My bed smells like the plague
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Randomize
