To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
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