We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
Guys are so much hotter at OU. Come my mating season, I am flying south like the geese in the wintertime.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
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