I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
