I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
what the fuck happened to the tacos
Randomize