I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
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