Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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