The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
where are my pants?
in the oven.
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
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