What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Randomize
