Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
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