Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
Using pot as a way to stop crying probably isn't a good sign huh?
Meh, some people pop Prozac, you smoke weed. Po-tay-to. po-tah-to
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
