I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
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