i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
vegan vag taste different. and not a good different
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
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