what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
Randomize
