my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Randomize
