I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Questions: How did Rachel get home? Why did I find both her ID's in my shoes? And does anyone know if she's alive?
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
