I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
Randomize
