Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
PANTIES FOUND
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