Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
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