her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
oh fat girl friday strikes again...
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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