I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
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