you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
Randomize
