I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
