So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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