I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
