my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
don't worry about it. We passed around the "get jeff bail" can 10 min. After you left. We currently have around $400. May I say that people here at the dorms really love you.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
I said "one day" and that day is not today
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
Randomize
