Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
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