Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
Randomize
