totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
