Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
so then we both started to do the walk of shame and she didnt realize we had fucked in her apartment until some lady said hi to her in the elevator
you didnt stop her?
too entertaining
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
Randomize
