I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
Randomize
