I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
Randomize
