life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
Randomize
