Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
let's skip the party, and just play drunken wii, again. its time to give my vag a break.
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
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