I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
So not the biggest tits he had his cock between. He could have lied.
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
Randomize
