Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize
