tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
