you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
Randomize
