I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
Randomize
