You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
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