she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
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