NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize
