More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
