John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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