...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
Randomize
