Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Randomize
