I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
My brain says no but my pants say off.
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
