I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
Randomize
