Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
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