The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
