I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
zippers are such a cool invention
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
Randomize