you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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